Last night I found a cool website (http://www.ccel.org) in which I legally downloaded a lots of great books that I longed to read for a long time. The ebooks I downloaded and wish to read are, the Practice of the Presence of God, Pilgrim's Progress, Confession of St. Augustine, the City of God, Heretics by G. K Chesterton, the Club of Queer Trades by G.K Chesterton, the Innocence of Father Brown. I am so happy that our FATHER lead me to find this treasure. I think it is exactly like that master in the Bible left a certain amount of capital to his three servants and then left. Now it is the time for me to decide which type of servant I want to be and act accordingly.

So last night I decided to start with the Practice of the Presence of God since it is the shortest. It was a bad idea to read in the couch after an exhausted day of serving at the Bridge. Soon I fell asleep while I was reading. After my third attempt to fight with my sleepiness, I gave up and went to bed with a hope that tomorrow morning I could absorb this book more fully than at this moment.

I have heard about this book for a long time but didn't find a time to read. Last year Doreen said she learned a lot from it and wish we could have a discussion after I read it. However I noticed that there is a phenomenon that I usually can not appreciate a highly recommend book, either because I can not understand it or because I understand the content but don't grasp why it is important. This morning when I started to read, I was afraid that reading the Practice of Presence of God could fall into this category. But four hours later as I finished this book, I had to admit this book didn't fail me and it expends my understanding of what a God-centered life should look like.

“That he was pleased when he could take up a straw from the ground for the love of GOD, seeking Him only, and nothing else, not even His gifts.”

When I say my purpose of life is to glorify God by doing everything to please him, my “everything” is confined to “big” things, such as working, sharing Good News, being a good testimony to people around me, finding my talents and using them well. But Bro. Lawrence considered that picking up a straw from the ground is in the scope of “everything”. Later he said that he did this for the sake of seeking Him only, not even His gifts. It was a shock to me. I think before I become a Christian or I should say before I started my relationship with Heavenly Father, I grouped every job in our society into different categories. Some of them I thought were more respectable than other. Even after I became a Christian and went to the church, I was still struggling that some types of serving was more valuable than the rest. I didn't quit thinking like this until I experienced by myself several times when I found that Romans 12:4-5 is so true. (Just as our bodies have many parts and each part has a special function, so it is with Christ's body. We are many parts on one body, and we all belong to each other)

But after read what Bro. Lawrence said, I feel I am falling into another dangerous misunderstanding. After I realized that each part has a special function in the body, I valued all the job in the society and all types of serving at the church equally. But I am only willing to do the type of serving which my gifts can get exercised. But Bro. Lawrence said he did things not for gratifying his own gifts, but for seeking God, for the love of God.

This new realization could be very significant for me and for my relationship with God. I think I will think more about it in the following days.

“That he expected after the pleasant days GOD had given him, he should have his turn of pain and suffering; but that he was not uneasy about it, knowing very well, that as he could do nothing of himself, GOD would not fail to give him the strength to bear them.”

At church we talk about all kinds of positive things such as free gifts, the power of healing, gaining eternal life more than negative things like suffering and pain. In my mind somehow I naturally think that being a Christian with the powerful heavenly Father and the merciful Jesus Christ, the life should be prosperous everyday. But Bro. Lawrence should be right that he expected the adverse circumstances while he was in the pleasant days. Most importantly, neither did he get panic when he anticipated the head wind, nor did he forget that he is incapable of doing anything unless God gives him the strength. The best part is that he was confidently assured that God will give to him and God never fails.

“That all bodily mortifications and other exercises are useless, but as they serve to arrive at the union with GOD by love; that he had well considered this, and found it the shortest way to go straight to Him by a continual exercise of love, and doing all things for His sake.”

Wow, when I read this sentence, I said in my heart, “Amen”. I tried fasting before but I just didn't sense that I got any closer to the heavenly Father. Only a satisfactory feeling of fulfilling a religious practice arose after fasting. As Jesus said, the biggest command is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength and all your mind. Therefore the shortest way to go straight to Him is to practice loving Him. I like this metaphor because most people like short cut.

“That the most excellent method he had found of going to GOD, was that of doing our common business without any view of pleasing men, [Gal. i. 10; Eph. vi. 5, 6.] and (as far as we are capable) purely for the love of GOD.”

This lesson is so hard to learn. Two nights ago, Philip and I were chatting about why I felt reluctant about participating Bridge's two years training program. I said that I had a great fear that I may receive tons of pressure from my family. I would feel stressed if that took place. Sometimes when I make decisions or act in certain ways, I indeed only want to please men. Like in this case, I wanted to make a decision to please my family. (My questions here is Ephesian 6:1 says, “Children, obey your parents because you belong to the Lord, for this is the right thing to do. Honor your father and mother.” But it will be a separate issue to discuss.)

Lord, please show me how to make a decision or act in certain ways only because I love you, not because I want to please men.

“That it was a great delusion to think that the times of prayer ought to differ from other times. That we are as strictly obliged to adhere to GOD by action in the time of action, as by prayer in its season.”

This is profound and enlightening. I certainly don't know how to integrate my prayer time into the rest of my days. Some people are sunday christians, which means they only think about God matter when they go to Church on Sunday. Even though I am not a sunday christian, I certainly don't think about Him all the times. Bro, Lawrence showed me that it is possible. I haven't known how to practice it though.

“If the vessel of our soul is still tossed with winds and storms, let us awake the LORD, who reposes in it, and He will quickly calm the sea.”

Last night, I felt I was rejected harshly by the one I care most. My mind, my heart were certainly not at easy. I woke up 3 o'clock, 5 o'clock because I know something is wrong but I don't know what's going on and why it happened. I want to repeat aloud what Bro. Lawrence said, “Lord, the vessel of my soul is tossed with winds and storms right now. Please wake up Lord, please help your child to calm the sea.”

“I DO not pray that you may be delivered from your pains; but I pray GOD earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases.”

“I DO not pray that you may be delivered from your pains; but I pray GOD earnestly that He would give you strength and patience to bear them as long as He pleases. Comfort yourself with Him who holds you fastened to the cross: He will loose you when He thinks fit. Happy those who suffer with Him: accustom yourself to suffer in that manner, and seek from Him the strength to endure as much, and as long, as He shall judge to be necessary for you. The men of the world do not comprehend these truths, nor is it to be wondered at, since they suffer like what they are, and not like Christians: they consider sickness as a pain to nature, and not as a favor from GOD; and seeing it only in that light, they find nothing in it but grief and distress. But those who consider sickness as coming from the hand of GOD, as the effects of His mercy, and the means which He employs for their salvation, commonly find in it great sweetness and sensible consolation.”

The above two paragraphs were written when Bro. Lawrence's friend suffered a great sickness. I am like a person who has already enjoyed a big feast and is about to leave but sees something is more delicious. These two paragraph is too big for me to digest right now, especially after I have already tested a great deal of spiritual food from 7:00am to 14:30. I have to stop here and digest what Bro. Lawrence said here later this week.