Dear Daddy,
I was really struggling to get out of bed today to write you. I kept telling myself, "It does not matter. An invisible, intangible god. What evidence is there that he receives the letters?" But then I thought that these are the types of thoughts that precede an emotional downward spiral, which I want to avert. Plus, bedtop reasoning is notorious unlucid, so I decided I had better get out of bed.
I watched a video on Sunday that talked about renewing the mind. The speaker talked some about biology and how You designed my previous decisions to be stored in my brain as ACH-encoded patterns. Once in a pattern is encoded, it is very easy to follow that pattern again in the future. And the more I follow that pattern, the easier again it is to follow it. Thus, a model to understand "wrestling with the flesh" is that of struggling to make decisions contrary to ungodly, ACH-encoded patterns. If that was all there was to the model, it might be illuminative, but not hopeful. But there is another aspect where Your grace shines through. You design the brain to be self-monitoring and to notice long-term decisions consistently contrary to an existing the ACH-encoded pattern. When it notices this, it uses another chemical named GABA to block the old pattern so that the old pattern ceases to be the easy pattern. This is a biological example of what it means that You come along side of those who have chosen to obey you. Of course, obedience is the prerequisite; otherwise, the brain will not notice that having the old pattern around is inefficient and setup a GABA roadblock to it.
So, thank You for encoding Your grace into my biology, and thank You for allowing me to hear this picture of Your grace. Please now, enable me to recognize the old destructive patterns of thinking and obediently to think in a different way. I know that as I do this, You, my loving Father, will come alongside and help me.
Love,
Philip
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Trinity Prayer
N. T. Wright wrote an article proposing a liturgical prayer: http://www.ntwrightpage.com/Wright_Prayer_Trinity.htm
I thought it was useful, so I reproduce it here along with my Chinese translation:
Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth:
Set up your kingdom in our midst.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God:
Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Holy Spirit, breath of the living God:
Renew me and all the world.
全能的父，创造天地的主：
在我们当中建立你的国度。
主耶稣基督，又真又活之神的儿子：
怜悯我，这个罪人。
圣灵，又真又活之神的气息：
更新我及全世界。
I thought it was useful, so I reproduce it here along with my Chinese translation:
Father almighty, maker of heaven and earth:
Set up your kingdom in our midst.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God:
Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Holy Spirit, breath of the living God:
Renew me and all the world.
全能的父，创造天地的主：
在我们当中建立你的国度。
主耶稣基督，又真又活之神的儿子：
怜悯我，这个罪人。
圣灵，又真又活之神的气息：
更新我及全世界。
Love Letter 3
Dear Daddy,
Thank you for causing Amy to say some things yesterday in the Areopagus Forum that opened my eyes to You. She was trying to persuade Paul that "being thankful" in itself is inadequate; thankfulness needs to be directed toward a person to be complete. This I knew, for I have used this line of reasoning before when trying to raise other's awareness of You. But then she listed examples of things for which we should be thankful to You: free oxygen; free sunlight; free use of my brain, body, etc.; and life itself. I was a little shocked. I had not thought to thank You for these things. In fact, inwardly I probably faulted You for giving me life since I do much like living. But seeing that You have given me these things, if I am unthankful to You for them, then I am remiss--regardless whether the reason is that I don't see them as good things or that I see them as good things but do not emotionally trace their origin back to You. I do believe that You are good (at a cognitive level), so I am willing to concede to You that the gift of life is good and that I am just blind to this fact right now. Please open my eyes to this. Please help me to see things from Your perspective, from the perspective of truth. Deliver me from the blindness of Gomer: "She did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold" (Hosea 2:8)
Thank you that You have enabled me to see that You are actively at work to renew my mind on this point. You helped me to notice that that was the second time this week when someone's words about Your providence arrested me. The other time was after I had vented to Simon about how distant You were from me. He asked me, "If I squeeze your nose and cover your mouth, how long could you live?" When I said, "At most four minutes," he responded, "Then God is at least that close to you." The fact is that it is on a second-by-second basis that I rely upon Your providence. If You withdrew Your hand for a second, I could not continue to live, much less if You withdrew for four minutes. I am reminded of what Paul said, "Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for 'in him we live and move and have our being.'" (Acts 17:27-28)
I think You caused Amy to say something recently to me linking breathing and the practice or realization of Your presence. I already forgot the sentence, but thank You for providing breathing as a tangible evidence of Your presence. Please help me recall You with each breath I take today that I might walk more experientially in Your presence.
Love,
Philip
Thank you for causing Amy to say some things yesterday in the Areopagus Forum that opened my eyes to You. She was trying to persuade Paul that "being thankful" in itself is inadequate; thankfulness needs to be directed toward a person to be complete. This I knew, for I have used this line of reasoning before when trying to raise other's awareness of You. But then she listed examples of things for which we should be thankful to You: free oxygen; free sunlight; free use of my brain, body, etc.; and life itself. I was a little shocked. I had not thought to thank You for these things. In fact, inwardly I probably faulted You for giving me life since I do much like living. But seeing that You have given me these things, if I am unthankful to You for them, then I am remiss--regardless whether the reason is that I don't see them as good things or that I see them as good things but do not emotionally trace their origin back to You. I do believe that You are good (at a cognitive level), so I am willing to concede to You that the gift of life is good and that I am just blind to this fact right now. Please open my eyes to this. Please help me to see things from Your perspective, from the perspective of truth. Deliver me from the blindness of Gomer: "She did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold" (Hosea 2:8)
Thank you that You have enabled me to see that You are actively at work to renew my mind on this point. You helped me to notice that that was the second time this week when someone's words about Your providence arrested me. The other time was after I had vented to Simon about how distant You were from me. He asked me, "If I squeeze your nose and cover your mouth, how long could you live?" When I said, "At most four minutes," he responded, "Then God is at least that close to you." The fact is that it is on a second-by-second basis that I rely upon Your providence. If You withdrew Your hand for a second, I could not continue to live, much less if You withdrew for four minutes. I am reminded of what Paul said, "Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for 'in him we live and move and have our being.'" (Acts 17:27-28)
I think You caused Amy to say something recently to me linking breathing and the practice or realization of Your presence. I already forgot the sentence, but thank You for providing breathing as a tangible evidence of Your presence. Please help me recall You with each breath I take today that I might walk more experientially in Your presence.
Love,
Philip
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Love Letter 2
Dear Daddy,
I thought today how kind it was of you to prompt my parents to have me take piano lessons. You know how much joy it brought me at the time. Even to this day I can still play many pieces upon demand if provided the music notation, and this is a joyful thing for me.
And not only the fact of my taking piano lessons, but also the teacher you inspired my parents to choose. What a tremendous blessing! The time that Mrs. Updike invested in me--no, that is too impersonal--the quality time we shared was indelible on my memory. I cried more at her funeral than at my own father's funeral. You caused me to find extra favor in her eyes, or else you enabled me to perceive her love more than the love's of other people. My lesson was the highlight of my week, and it went on for nearly a decade. Thank you.
And then when she was in a nursing home, all alone, and no longer able to speak or possibly even recognize me, you did something in my heart that I have not seen before or since: I did something out of love rather than just doing something that appeared loving but had ulterior motives. I visited her in the nursing home and spoke to her, and touched her, and sang to her, and read the Bible to her--all with no verbal feedback to know whether it made any difference to her, with no opportunity to get attention, approval, or praise from a human.
Daddy, would you do that work in my heart again? It seemed so right. Perhaps those few visits were the only "acts of righteousness" in my whole life that I have ever done in secret. But I know that You were present because I don't have conditional love to give, so the source had to have been outside of me: You were pouring it into me so that I could pour it into her.
But now everything I do is for the purpose of ingratiating myself to others. Every word and every action is merely a means to transiently acquire another's attention with the hope that transience will turn into permanence. I hate this about myself. But without the sense of Your permanent attention and approval, I am reduced to this. How do I become secure in Your attention and approval? Is this an immature expectation of intimacy with You--sensing Your presence? If so, please cause me to grow up so that I can properly apprehend the nature of the divine-human relationship.
I await Your reply.
Love,
Philip
I thought today how kind it was of you to prompt my parents to have me take piano lessons. You know how much joy it brought me at the time. Even to this day I can still play many pieces upon demand if provided the music notation, and this is a joyful thing for me.
And not only the fact of my taking piano lessons, but also the teacher you inspired my parents to choose. What a tremendous blessing! The time that Mrs. Updike invested in me--no, that is too impersonal--the quality time we shared was indelible on my memory. I cried more at her funeral than at my own father's funeral. You caused me to find extra favor in her eyes, or else you enabled me to perceive her love more than the love's of other people. My lesson was the highlight of my week, and it went on for nearly a decade. Thank you.
And then when she was in a nursing home, all alone, and no longer able to speak or possibly even recognize me, you did something in my heart that I have not seen before or since: I did something out of love rather than just doing something that appeared loving but had ulterior motives. I visited her in the nursing home and spoke to her, and touched her, and sang to her, and read the Bible to her--all with no verbal feedback to know whether it made any difference to her, with no opportunity to get attention, approval, or praise from a human.
Daddy, would you do that work in my heart again? It seemed so right. Perhaps those few visits were the only "acts of righteousness" in my whole life that I have ever done in secret. But I know that You were present because I don't have conditional love to give, so the source had to have been outside of me: You were pouring it into me so that I could pour it into her.
But now everything I do is for the purpose of ingratiating myself to others. Every word and every action is merely a means to transiently acquire another's attention with the hope that transience will turn into permanence. I hate this about myself. But without the sense of Your permanent attention and approval, I am reduced to this. How do I become secure in Your attention and approval? Is this an immature expectation of intimacy with You--sensing Your presence? If so, please cause me to grow up so that I can properly apprehend the nature of the divine-human relationship.
I await Your reply.
Love,
Philip
Friday, May 23, 2008
Love Letter 1
Dear Daddy,
I wanted to write and say that I love You. I don't remember exactly when I first started to notice You, but I was very Young. I do remember, for example, when that evangelist Frank Gonzales spoke of You, how my heart burned for You. At that age I did not know the word intimacy, but that feeling was certainly a juvenile desire for it.
In high school when I read the interaction between Your prophet Elisha and the Shunammite, my heart ached to know You. How I wanted to be like Elisha and have such an intimate relationship with You that he was surprised when the woman was distressed and he did not know the reason. It implied such depth of sharing between You and him; otherwise, why would it seem odd to him not know something? At that point I decided that I wanted to be a prophet when I grew up because in my childish mind I equated intimacy with You and being a prophet. But people did not understand me and scorned my aspired occupation. And when I applied to take the SAT and ACT, there was no intended occupation code for "prophet", and I was frustrated because I did not know how to pursue this occupation, which was the only avenue to the intimacy for which I longed.
In college I remember reading how You shared secrets with those who fear You (Psalm 25), and I took heart that maybe this intimacy was available to non-prophets. And so began my quest for the "fear of Yahweh". Unfortunately, this concept was as opaque to me as Fermat's Last Theorem, and I could not get my mind around it, much less intelligently pursue it. I longingly read and memorized verses about fear of Yahweh thinking, "This is the key; this is they key!" But I did not know how to "turn on" this fear in myself, and I despaired because this singular channel of intimacy with You was closed.
And then one day I noticed that You said through Your prophet Jeremiah that You would "put the fear of Me in their hearts that they may not turn from Me". And I thought, "Here is the answer! I cannot do it, but God promises to do it for me. I finally can have the intimacy for which I long." And so I converted to Calvinism with all my heart. The Five Points became my constant meditation because I so longed to know You but simultaneously knew that I could not produce the fear of You that was the prerequisite. People thought me strange and poked fun at me when I changed my email address to calvinist5pt@juno.com but it did not matter because this was key.
Oh, Daddy, I longed to know You, to be close to You for so long. But some time afterward, the flicker of hope died. That one thing for which I had longed since I was a child never materialized, and I became inwardly cynical. I still said in public that You were the best; but in my inner heart I began to question Your goodness. It seemed that You kept me away.
Now my desire is no longer pure; it is mixed with anger and resentment. The days of singular longing for You is gone. Sometimes now someone can say a word that will awaken the desire for a few minutes but the coldness of disappointment quickly shrinks the flame. Isaiah said that You will not quench a faintly burning wick. Is there hope? Can I really be close to You? May I really be close to You? Please take away this obstacle this my hope. I believe that You are good, that You are the best. Like the man whom Jesus was about to heal said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" So I say, "I hope; help my despair!" Please awaken desire and hope once again.
I wanted to write and say that I love You. I don't remember exactly when I first started to notice You, but I was very Young. I do remember, for example, when that evangelist Frank Gonzales spoke of You, how my heart burned for You. At that age I did not know the word intimacy, but that feeling was certainly a juvenile desire for it.
In high school when I read the interaction between Your prophet Elisha and the Shunammite, my heart ached to know You. How I wanted to be like Elisha and have such an intimate relationship with You that he was surprised when the woman was distressed and he did not know the reason. It implied such depth of sharing between You and him; otherwise, why would it seem odd to him not know something? At that point I decided that I wanted to be a prophet when I grew up because in my childish mind I equated intimacy with You and being a prophet. But people did not understand me and scorned my aspired occupation. And when I applied to take the SAT and ACT, there was no intended occupation code for "prophet", and I was frustrated because I did not know how to pursue this occupation, which was the only avenue to the intimacy for which I longed.
In college I remember reading how You shared secrets with those who fear You (Psalm 25), and I took heart that maybe this intimacy was available to non-prophets. And so began my quest for the "fear of Yahweh". Unfortunately, this concept was as opaque to me as Fermat's Last Theorem, and I could not get my mind around it, much less intelligently pursue it. I longingly read and memorized verses about fear of Yahweh thinking, "This is the key; this is they key!" But I did not know how to "turn on" this fear in myself, and I despaired because this singular channel of intimacy with You was closed.
And then one day I noticed that You said through Your prophet Jeremiah that You would "put the fear of Me in their hearts that they may not turn from Me". And I thought, "Here is the answer! I cannot do it, but God promises to do it for me. I finally can have the intimacy for which I long." And so I converted to Calvinism with all my heart. The Five Points became my constant meditation because I so longed to know You but simultaneously knew that I could not produce the fear of You that was the prerequisite. People thought me strange and poked fun at me when I changed my email address to calvinist5pt@juno.com but it did not matter because this was key.
Oh, Daddy, I longed to know You, to be close to You for so long. But some time afterward, the flicker of hope died. That one thing for which I had longed since I was a child never materialized, and I became inwardly cynical. I still said in public that You were the best; but in my inner heart I began to question Your goodness. It seemed that You kept me away.
Now my desire is no longer pure; it is mixed with anger and resentment. The days of singular longing for You is gone. Sometimes now someone can say a word that will awaken the desire for a few minutes but the coldness of disappointment quickly shrinks the flame. Isaiah said that You will not quench a faintly burning wick. Is there hope? Can I really be close to You? May I really be close to You? Please take away this obstacle this my hope. I believe that You are good, that You are the best. Like the man whom Jesus was about to heal said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" So I say, "I hope; help my despair!" Please awaken desire and hope once again.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Lie 3
Lie: The principle of cause and effect does not apply in my life: seeking God has no positive effect; indulging the flesh has no negative effect.
Truth: Every decision has consequences, both in this life and in the life to come.
Scripture: "Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life. And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." (Galatians 6:7-9)
Explanation: This verse has both a positive and negative aspect. First the negative. I noticed the following attitude sneaking into my heart: "If I know a lie but have not documented it yet, then I am not accountable for it. Also, there are so many lies from which to choose. As a result, I will be able keep practicing my favorite lies for a long time since at one-per-day I can conveniently document them much later." When I realized it, I decided that this was a pretty destructive lie that threatened the efficacy of this whole exercise.
On the positive side, I also still questioned whether this or any exercise would yield any fruit since I continue to have this nagging voice that says, "It does not matter what you do to draw near to God; it will all be without effect." But the truth is that I will reap if I do not grow weary and give up.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Lie 2: Indomitable Weakness
Lie: My weaknesses are more powerful than God's grace.
Truth: God anticipates and takes steps in advance to compensate for my weaknesses.
Scripture: "For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us" (Romans 8:3-4).
"For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly" (Romans 5:6).
Explanation: This is related to Lie 1 but focuses in on the cause of my committing an unpardonable sin, namely, that I am weak-willed. I sense that there is a family of lies surrounding the word weak. This truth establishes that regardless how weak I am, it does not take God by surprise. Rather, his redemptive provisions take it into account. The fear of indomitable weakness leads me not to try to grow in my relationship with God since I perceive that it is ultimately hopeless.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Lie 1: Destined to Commit Unpardonable Sin
One way to help identify lies is to find a verse that moves me to tears of longing, a verse that I feel resistant to believe because it is too good to be true. Then to work backward to see what the lie is. I used this method to identify the first lie. There is a passage that has moved me to tears ever since as a child I first heard it in a solo from Handel's Messiah.
Lie: God forgave my past sins, but in the future I will commit a sin that will place me outside the provisions of the New Covenant.
Truth: Jesus Himself is guarding the door of the New Covenant to guarantee that I do not walk outside the boundary of its provisions.
Scripture: "What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us." (Romans 8:31-34)
Explanation: I live in terror of disqualifying myself. This fear make me passive by this reasoning: Since I am destined to commit an unpardonable sin, there is no reason to expend any effort to build my relationship with God. Another point of angst is that I am a Calvinist: The presence of this fear shames me since my emotions contradict the doctrines to which my mind assents.
New Series on Lies
I want to start a new blog series. I have really been struggling recently. A friend suggested that I systematically identify the lies that I believe and then find a corresponding truth from Scripture to use a weapon against that lie. I think that this is a good idea. I hypothesize that there are others who also struggle with the same lies that I do, so I thought that I would publish my results on this blog. Here are some assumptions I am making:
- Lie isolation will be iterative. Lie k + 1 might look terribly similar to lie k, but I list k + 1 again because it is closer to the kernel; or because lie k really is a conglomerate of several lies, and k + 1 is one of the components.
- The lies are in order neither of root==>fruit nor fruit==>root. They are just in order of isolation.
- Not all reports will be equally profound or have the same potential to liberate. If I have the pressure to write something profound, I will not be able to write.
Friday, May 16, 2008
小小的我
茫茫六十亿，我是小小的我；
上下五千年，我是小小的我；
东西南北中，我是小小的我；
春夏与秋冬，我是小小的我。
小小的我，为骄傲的资本而努力，
小小的我，为明天的出路而失眠，
小小的我，为眼目的情欲而愁烦，
小小的我，为生命的意义而蹉跎，
有一天，
小小的我碰到大大的神，
六十亿中多了许多弟兄，
五千年中多了许多姐妹，
四极当中有了许多家庭，
四季当中有了许多喜乐，
因着你，
小小的我，找到努力的动力；
小小的我，不为明天而忧虑；
小小的我，眼目充满着神迹；
小小的我，生命不再无目的。
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