What I Am Protestant

Below is a letter I wrote to a friend on December 6, 2005. I came across it today and thought that its content was still relevant, so I publish it here for anyone else interested:

Dear Paul,

I felt particularly riled up after tonight's theological discussion. But the limitations of time and of extemporaneous speech's clarity kept me from responding in full. However, something you said (thought I do not actually remember the trigger) made me realize that my catholic sympathies might have unwittingly communicated that my protestant convictions were not deeply felt. So I want to write this letter in an attempt clarify my position better than I could through dialog in a moving car.

I have not systematized what I think are the crucial difference in our viewpoint. So what follows is not intended to be systematic or exhaustive but rather a few points at which I notice several difference clustering together. Also, since our ecclesiology sharply diverges, please note that whenever I say Invisible Church, I mean the set of all genuine disciples of Jesus, regardless of external affiliation, and whenever I say Church I mean the set of all people claiming some affiliation with Jesus regardless of actual conversion or external affiliation.

The Meaning of Reformation

When we talked on the phone, I merely had time to introduce a topic, namely, the gradual restoration of sound doctrine. I assert that the Church very early on began to succumb to corruption, both in teaching and in praxis. Paul prophesied, I know that after my departure savage wolves will come in among you, not sparing the flock; and from among your own selves men will arise, speaking perverse things, to draw away the disciples after them (Acts 20:29-30). While persecution was still around as a purifying force, the disease was not pernicious. However, as soon as Constantine legalized Christianity, the Church headed to Hell in a handbasket. It took until the Reformation for people en masse to start to realize the errors that entered the Church. But even then, the realization has been gradual, sputtering, and littered with misapplication. Luther and Calvin rediscovered alot of things, but they over-reacted in some areas and under-reacted in others. Furthermore, the rediscovered truths are frequently lost again in a later generation. A good example of this is the Bible in the vernacular language. The medieval error was that the Bible legally should only be in Latin. Fortunately, Luther resisted this lie and translated the Bible into German. (Tyndale did this for the English-speaking people in the 16th century, but was burned at the stake for the offense.) However, now it is a trademark of Fundamentalist Christians to claim the King James Bible as the only authentic translation. These thoroughly Protestant Christians have chosen to embrace the lie again and require their followers to read (and not understand) a translation whose language was vernacular 394 years ago. This phenomenon recurs over and over in the Church. As far as I can tell, it is the playing out of what Paul said in Ephesians 4:11-16:

And He gave some as apostles, and some as prophets, and some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of service, to the building up of the body of Christ; until we all attain to the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. As a result, we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by the trickery of men, by craftiness in deceitful scheming; but speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

By saying these things, Paul admits that the Church is immature, susceptible to errors. However, there is a glorious until. He gives us the hope that at some point in the future, the Church will mature and escape her cycle of losing sound doctrine. At that time, after He has thoroughly cleansed her by His Word, Jesus will be able to present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. (Ephesians 5:27). I posit that this process of purification, for some unknown sovereign reason, lay essentially dormant for 1200 years, plunging Europe into the Dark Ages, but was restarted again during the Reformation. The process continues to this day. 1739 was when John Wesley realized that ordination by a bishop was not a requirement to preach the gospel. 1903 was a major year when people started moving the Holy Spirit from being merely a point of doctrine to being an experienced person. I'm not a particular student of history, so I cannot enumerate the major milestones. But this gradual progression will continue until Christ returns: For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known (1 Corinthians 13:12) and Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure (1 John 3:2-3).

With this in mind, when I read these word's in the Catechism, I feel sadness that the people in communion with the Bishop of Rome have because of a false sense of security tolerated significant error:

It is this Magisterium's task to preserve God's people from deviations and defections and to guarantee them the objective possibility of professing the true faith without error. Thus, the pastoral duty of the Magisterium is aimed at seeing to it that the People of God abides in the truth that liberates. To fulfill this service, Christ endowed the Church's shepherds with the charism of infallibility in matters of faith and morals. (890)

Rusty Rudders and Broken Bits Syndrome

Helpful Vocabularly

rusty	生锈
rudder	舵
bit	爵环
self-fulfilling prophecy	自我应验预言
self-deprecation	自我贬低的，过分谦虚的
viz. (abbr. for videlicet)	那就是
reinforce	强化
to elicit	引出；诱出
verbal creature	平时运用语言来跟自己、他人沟通
phenomenon	现象
utterance	言辞;言论;话语
Here I go again!	我不得不重蹈覆辙
subconscious	下意识的
to evoke	唤起(记忆等);引起
specious validity	似是而非
to perpetuate	使永久存在
manipulation	操控别人的感情
asset	宝贵的人材
to deflect	使偏斜;使转向
downfall	垮台(或没落)的原因
verbal diarrhea	嘴巴的拉肚子。说出话来像拉肚子时拉出屎来一样块、流利、难以控制
demeaning	贬低人的
contritely	懊悔地,痛悔地
body-to-body	身体与身体中间没有空间
furious	狂怒的
ungrateful	忘恩负义的
antidote	对抗手段,矫正方法
leak out	泄漏
to trigger irrational anger	引起不合理的愤怒
curtly	唐突草率地
to fume	怒气冲冲

Introduction

Let's look at this photo of a ship. The name of the ship is the "Gerd Knutsen", and its gross weight is 79,244 tons. Now look at this photo of the rudder of the same ship. It weighs 5.5 tons. This means that a rudder that weighs 0.007% of ship determines the direction of the ship.

Now look this photo of a horse. Compare that to this photo of a horse bit. Using this tiny piece of metal, the rider can control the direction of the horse.

For boats and horses, really small things control their direction. Now, my question today is this: For us humans, do our bodies possess any member that exercises as a great a control on the direction of our life? I submit that we, in fact, do possess such a member, viz., our tongue. Let's look at this quote:

For we all stumble in many ways. And if anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle his whole body. If we put bits into the mouths of horses so that they obey us, we guide their whole bodies as well. Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. James 3:2-5

原来我们在许多事上都有过失；若有人在话语上没有过失，他就是完全人，也能勒住自己的全身。我们若把嚼环放在马嘴里，叫它顺服，就能调动它的全身。看哪，船只虽然甚大，又被大风催逼，只用小小的舵，就随著掌舵的意思转动。这样，舌头在百体里也是最小的，却能说大话。雅各书 3:2-5

This quote has two main points:

1. The way we use our tongue directly influences the direction of our life just like rudders and bits directly influence the direction of boats and horses, respectively.
2. By implication, if we learn how to control our tongue, it will drastically improve the quality of our life.

On the other hand, some of us (including myself) might feel like our life is not going where we want it to go. It might be because we have not yet learned to use our tongue wisely. You might say that we have Rusty Rudder and Broken Bit Syndrome, and today I want to share with you in my own life and experience where I have noticed that my tongue has taken the direction of my life where I did not want it to go. My outline is as follows:

1. Unhealthy communication with self
1. Reinforcing lies that control us
2. Self-fulfilling prophecies
2. Unhealthy communication with other people
1. Unhealthy motives
1. Eliciting pity
2. Eliciting praise
3. Buying attention
2. Unhealthy content
1. Complaining
2. Criticizing
3. Toward a definition of a healthy tongue

Unhealthy Communication With Self

This first point is related to my last training on Stinkin Thinkin. Last time I shared this quote:

Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny.

播下一种思想，收获一种行为；播下一种行为，收获一种习惯；播下一种习惯，收获一种性格；播下一种性格，收获一种命运。

However, after thinking about it, I don't think that this quote is quite complete. The chain is missing a link, so I want to change the quote a little bit:

Sow a thought, reap an utterance. Sow an utterance, reap an action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny.

播下一种思想，收获一种话语；播下一种话语，收获一种行为；播下一种行为，收获一种习惯；播下一种习惯，收获一种性格；播下一种性格，收获一种命运。

We are all verbal creatures, and when we have a thought, it very naturally comes out our lips. Even if it is embarrassing to admit, we all talk to ourselves. It is a natural way to interact with our environments. Sitting in this office, it is easy to witness this phenomenon. A lot of the sounds I hear are not a person speaking to his pair, but a person speaking to himself. Some of us speak to ourselves more than others. I don't know how many times I heard a sound coming from Daniel, I said, "What?", and he responded, "没事，没事，" because I was not the intended audience for that utterance. He was his own intended audience.

Reinforcing Lies That Control Us

Even though self-talk is normal, not all content of self-talk is healthy. Let's look at some of the things that I have heard coming out of my own mouth:

• I'm so stupid!
• Here I go again!
• I'll never solve this problem!
• There is nothing I can do here!

When we first look at these sentences, we might not realize how unhealthy they are. But if we turn the "I" into a "you" and think about what would happen if we said it to someone else, we can imagine the effect more easily. If I said to you, "You are so stupid," what type of effect would it have on you? If you are a person with little self-confidence, it will reduce your self-confidence. If you are a person with a lot of self-confidence, it will make you angry. When we say these types of negative statements to ourselves, it has the same effect in our own lives, but at the subconscious level.

Last time I talked about how the lies we believe produce in us "Stinkin' Thinkin'", which leads to all the negative behaviors in our life. When through self-talk we speak these lies to ourselves, we actually are reinforcing the lies, we are giving these lies more power to control us.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy

A related idea is a self-fulfilling prophecy, which is defined as follows:

The self-fulfilling prophecy is, in the beginning, a false definition of the situation evoking a new behaviour which makes the original false conception come 'true'. This specious validity of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuates a reign of error. For the prophet will cite the actual course of events as proof that he was right from the very beginning. (Robert K. Merton)

So it is a really good idea to stop and listen to what we say to ourselves. When we say to ourselves negative statements about ourselves, this is unhealthy and will take our life in a direction that we did not intend.

Discuss: What are some things that you say to yourself that you would like to stop saying?

Here is a prayer that I like using to ask God for help in this process:

Set a guard, O Yahweh, over my mouth; keep watch over the door of my lips! Psalm 141:3

耶和华啊，求你禁止我的口，把守我的嘴。诗篇141：3

Unhealthy Communication With Other People

I notice that the way I talk to people is unhealthy in two ways: motive and content. Let's look at these in order.

Unhealthy Motives

When I use my words to try to take advantage of people's emotion to get them to do what I want, it is called manipulation. This is an unhealthy motive for communication. Unfortunately, I see it present in my life a lot. Let me give two examples.

Eliciting Pity

A lot of times, when I say things about myself, my secret motive is cause the listener to respond with words of pity or comfort. For example, I frequently get up earlier than other people. But I have noticed that sometimes I might say something like this: "I am so tired. I did not finish deploying until 10 p.m.". And then I look at the person expecting him to say something like, "Oh, Philip, you work so hard. You are an invaluable asset to our company. You don't have to work so late next time." Now, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging to someone how tired I am or referring to a late night deployment. The problem was that my motive was to elicit pith, and I would have been disappointed if the person did not say what I expected. Eliciting pity is a form of manipulation and unhealthy. People generally realize when they have been manipulated and feel used. Then they will try to avoid the manipulator in the future. Thus, in the end my tongue took me in a direction I do not want to go.

Discuss: When is a time where you used your words for the purpose of eliciting pity?

Eliciting Praise

There is a phenomenon that I have observed in Chinese culture. I personally do not do this, but I wanted at least to point it out and ask about it. The phenomenon is called self-deprecation, which means this:

Self-deprecation … refers to making negative statements regarding one's own appearance or abilities, such as saying "I'm so fat" or "I'm such an idiot", often with the intended result that their friends will tell them that they really aren't.

Let me illustrate this. In America, if someone compliments me and says, "Wow, you really sing well!", I are expected to accept the compliment and say, "Thank you." In China, I am expected to deflect the compliment and say, "哪里，哪里，我唱得不好听，我的声音很差，等等。"And then the first person should say something like, "不是，不是，别谦虚，你真的唱的很好。" And then I should deflect it again, etc. This feels really strange. I sometimes do it in Chinese because it is culturally correct. But if I were to do it in English, it would have a different meaning: that I am desperate to hear the compliment so I repeatedly deny it in order to manipulate the other person into saying it over and over. I am really curious about this practice.

Discuss: Can someone explain to me what goes on in the mind of a Chinese person when he does this?

Buying Other's Attention

This next one might be hard to understand, but it is actually one of my biggest downfalls, so I want to share it. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. From a young child, I was very insecure in my ability to make friends. My older brother noticed that I was having trouble and gave me a book called How to Win Friends and Influence People. I don't remember anything the book said, but I do remember what my brother said when he gave it to me: "Make the other person have verbal diarrhea." In other words, encourage the other person to speak to the degree that words flow out of his mouth as fast as diarrhea flows about of your anus. I understood his statement to mean: Ask a lot of questions.

Being the impressionable child that I was, this is exactly what I did. I was terrified that if I made any statement, people would become bored and no longer want to be my friend. So I asked and asked and asked questions. I could have three hour "conversations" in which I never said anything except to ask questions. Other people praised me that I was such a good listener. But the truth was that I hated this behavior. It felt so unfair and demeaning. Unfair because I never had the opportunity to speak; demeaning because my actions were saying that my thoughts and words were unimportant. I was consistently like this until I was two years out of college, and I still struggle with this.

Just last week, I arranged to have dinner with a friend. While we were eating, I suddenly felt insecure that I could contribute anything interesting to the conversation. I am not talking about a little bit of insecurity here. I panicked and felt that the stake of the whole friendship rested upon my ability to make interesting conversation during the next block of time. As a result, I entered my natural "question mode." I asked and asked, and he shared and shared. Eventually, he got a phone call and needed to leave immediately. As he left, I thought to myself, "I did it again." I was angry at myself because I had again allowed fear to control me; I was angry at him because he did not see through my behavior. But my anger toward him was not just. The fact is that I was actually manipulating him. Through asking questions, I made him feel important to the point that he temporarily suspended his expectation that I would say anything.

I call this "buying attention" because I am "buying" the other person's attention/friendship at the price of my own right to speak, individuality, etc. This is an unhealthy way that I use my tongue. Every time I do this, I feel angry afterward, and it takes my life in a direction that I don't want to go.

Discuss: When have you tried to manipulate someone with your speech?

Unhealthy Content

In addition to unhealthy motives, I also struggle with unhealthy content. Practically speaking, this means that a lot of complaining and criticism comes out of my mouth. Lipu is to be pitied on this point: Since he lives with me, this unhealthy content usually gets directed toward him. I contritely share two examples.

Complaining

One time Lipu, Doreen, and I went to 中山路 for supper. Afterward, Lipu and I needed to start the long trip back to 前埔. It was already late, and the 503 bus is usually body-to-body with no seats. He asked whether we should take a taxi or bus. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it must have been very negative and complaintful. Lipu became furious, said, "你为什么老是抱怨？", and would not talk to me again for the next 12 hours. I have to assume that this is a pretty common part of my speech since he frequently comments on how much I complain. What I have realized is that I am a very ungrateful person, and so complaints flow out of my mouth almost unconsciously. This is a very unhealthy use of the tongue. No one likes to be around a complainer, and I have repeatedly created distance between me and other people because of this trait.

The obvious antidote to this problem is to become a thankful person, which I want to do. The following quote encourages me in this pursuit:

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

要常常喜乐，不住地祷告，凡事谢恩，因为这是神在基督耶稣里向你们所定的旨意。（帖撒罗尼迦前书 5：16－18）

Criticising

This next one is also very, very hard for me. I get so angry when people do not live up to my expectations. For a while I try to pretend that everything is alright, but in the end my true feelings always leak out my lips. During the time that we have lived together, I can count neither the number of hours that I secretly held anger toward Lipu nor the number of critical statements that have come out of my mouth. The one below is just one that happened recently.

Last week there was one time when Lipu forgot to turn off the light in the bathroom when he left it. The previous week he had just corrected someone-I think Jimmy-for not shutting off the light when leaving the bathroom. When I saw this, it triggered irrational anger in me, and I curtly asked him, "你为什么老是忘记把洗手间的灯关掉？"What followed was a typical exchange between us where each of us became increasingly self-defensive with each sentence. Doreen was there, so I had to pretend not to be angry, and I just stopped talking. We headed out to each lunch while I fumed in silence. As we ate lunch, I reflected on my behavior and how my tongue had again brought distance between me and my friend. So I suddenly interrupted the conversation and said, "I was wrong back there when I judged you for forgetting to shut off the light. Would you please forgive me?" Lipu forgave me, and our friendship was restored.

As I said, this is just one of many examples. I really, really struggle with judging people in anger. There are two quotes that really help me as I try to overcome this weakness of mine:

Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven … For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you … Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Brother, let me take out the speck that is in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log that is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take out the speck that is in your brother's eye. (Luke 6:37-42)

你们不要论断人，就不被论断；你们不要定人的罪，就不被定罪；你们要饶恕人，就必蒙饶恕 … 因为你们用甚么量器量给人，也必用甚么量器量给你们 … 为甚么看见你弟兄眼中有刺，却不想自己眼中有梁木呢？你不见自己眼中有梁木，怎能对你弟兄说'容我去掉你眼中的刺'呢？你这假冒为善的人！先去掉自己眼中的梁木，然后才能看得清楚，去掉你弟兄眼中的刺。（路加福音6：37)

Discuss: Share a time when the content of your words took you down a path you did not want to go. Maybe it was complaining, criticizing, lying, flattering, gossiping, or something else?

Toward a Definition of a Healthy Tongue

So far I have mainly shared how I have used my tongue in an unhealthy way and it turned my life in a direction I did not want to go. I did not talk much about healthy communication because I could think of so few examples from my life to share. But there are some principles that I am trying to learn to follow. And even though I cannot illustrate them from my current life, I still wanted to share these three principles with you briefly:

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (James 1:19-20)

我亲爱的弟兄们，这是你们所知道的。但你们各人要快快的听，慢慢的说，慢慢的动怒，因为人的怒气并不成就　神的义。（雅各书1：19－20)

Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person. (Colossians 4:6)

你们的言语要常常带著和气，好像用盐调和，就可知道该怎样回答各人。（歌罗西书4：6 ）

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. (Ephesians 4:29)

污秽的言语，一句不可出口，只要随事说造就人的好话，叫听见的人得益处。（以弗所书4：29

Purpose Driven Life

Disclaimer:

I wrote a letter to my friend Cheryl last week. I thought it was a really good letter explaining a recent insight I had had. I also want to share the insight in my blog, but I don't want to write another batch of prose, so I thought that I would shamelessly plagiarize my letter to Cheryl and put it here. Cheryl, if you ever read this post, please know that your letter came first, and it was a personal letter, not a bulk letter. It was bulkified after the fact. :)

The Body:

Well, I had a rich weekend, and I don't mean calorically (well, any more than usual) or monetarily. I had an emotionally rich weekend. I feel like Dad communicated with me. Not on the burning bush or dove and clouds scale. Rather, during my bus ride to fellowship on Sunday, I had a cognitive breakthrough, and two hours later while I was accompanying the congregational singing on the piano, I had the corresponding emotional breakthrough.

I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life. Now my speed is not laudable (5 chapters in 2 months), but understand that I cannot get my hands on an English copy (the only person I know here who has it in English has herself borrowed it and declined my request to sub-lend it to me), so I have no choice except to read in Chinese. The beneficial side effect is that I think deeply about each sentence. Early on, I detected that there was something significant about the book, but I could not put my finger on it. I was missing some foundational point, which hampered my grasping where the author was going--until the bus ride yesterday.

On the bus, it dawned on me that I had .... a specific created purpose, that is, that Dad had an intention in mind when He created me. Now, don't laugh too hard at the remedial nature of the "enlightenment". It quite typical for my propensity for complexity to interfere with understanding--or even noticing--simple truths. Also, suspend for a moment the fact that this was the topic of chapter 1, and I did not "get" it until chapter 5. There was some serious interference going on here, which I will blushingly document here.

Apparently, I did not distinguish "purpose" and "goal" in my idiolect. I thought the book was about setting goals, but he was getting to that end in a rather round-about fashion. The fact that the title of the book had the word purpose in it did not phase me since purpose did not have an identity separate from goal. It did not help that I was reading in Chinese and could not possibly distinguish between mubiao (目标) and mudi (目的) even if you offered me 10 kilos of bleu cheese.

Anyway, when this truth floated into my brain on the bus, it was a startling epiphany. I had incorrectly believed that Dad's intention for me was just like his for everyone: the generic "glorify Dad by enjoying him forever". All of a sudden, I racing through passages in my mind, looking for corroboration. I found it. Acts 13:36, Luke 7:30, and 2 Timothy 2:20-21 taken together imply three things:

• Dad has specific purposes for each person.
• A person can fail to achieve those purposes.
• The decisions that a person makes increase or decrease the statistical probability of achieving those purposes.

This got my attention, so I began brainstorming what might these created purposes be? I started to feel excitement, inspiration, hope. I analyzed talents and passions. It also occurred to me to analyze besetting weaknesses since created purposes probably would attract demonic attention. The epiphany crested about two hours later when I was accompanying the singing (intentional tsunami reference). In my emotions I felt that part of my created purpose had to do with music.

Since today was a Mid-Autumn Festival, I had some time on my hands. I intensely listened to Bach's Passion According to St. Matthew, a 3.5 hour oratorio in German. (I had basically stopped listening to classical music in China, for no better reason than busyness). Realizing that one of my created purposes depended upon music, I knew I needed to prime the pump. I was struck by Mary Magdalene and decided that she would be my provisional role model. Then since there was a therapist in town to volunteer her services for a couple days, I met with her for two hours. Then I came home and worked on the first draft of my created purpose.

Epilogue:

Since the purpose statement is now in its second draft, I will not include the remainder of the letter, which was documenting the first draft. Here is the second draft:

To glorify God's beauty by enjoying music and by empowering others to enjoy it.

To glorify God's creativity by enjoying Chinese culture and by developing a command of Mandarin.

To glorify God's personal involvement in people's lives by enjoying friendships with Chinese people and by discipling them.

To glorify God's orderliness by enjoying solving technical problems and by pursuing excellence in software engineering.

To glorify God's power to redeem sexual brokenness by enjoying the clean conscience that accompanies purity and by leading others to also enjoy it through transparent testimony.

中国之行

　　我从小就一直想学习外语。因为很少美国人学习别的国家的语言，所以上外语课不太方便。至于自习语言，古代的语言比较方便因为不用说出来。因此我高中、大学的时候自习拉丁语和古代的希腊语。大学毕业之后，我当了八年的软件工程师。钱存够了，我就决定停下工作而出国学习外语。本来我选择了在日本学习日语，后来因为中国的生活费没有日本那么贵，所以我来了中国。最初我住在天津，在新世纪语言文化中心上学。学了一年的中文以后，我的钱用光了，不得不又找工作了。我问老师 ：“中国的什么城市有暖和又干净？”她立刻回答，“厦门。”然后我问她，“厦门有没有大学？”她又回答，“有，而且挺有名的。”我立即准备了我的简历然后发到厦大。我的申请被批准之后，我就厦门搬到了厦门，当了厦大软件学院的外教。虽然我常常很喜欢跟我的学生在一起，但是我发现教书不太适合我的性格。那时侯，我认识一个中国朋友，我们很谈得来，甚至比所有的美国朋友都更熟。没想到会这样，真奇怪！教完两个学期的课，我就回国了。但是我爱上了厦门，所以我在厦门国际机场等上飞机的时候，哽咽着给以前的中文老师打电话找一点安慰。到美国之后我决定找到一个方法让我一辈子都能住在厦门。我终于想出办法来，就是到厦门创建软件公司。非常明显，我的汉语还是太差了，因此我申请在厦大海外教育学院留学学习汉语。
　　后来我的申请得到了批准。四个星期之前才回厦门。我很高兴我又有机会在这边生活。现在我一边学习汉语，一边研究怎么创建公司。那个朋友是我的无价之宝。他不但一直帮助我看法律规定、跟中国注册会计讨论、给我作翻译等等，并且他教我中国文化也鼓励我努力地学习中文、认真地学习做人。我完全回报不了他的帮助。
　　兄弟姐妹中，我排行第七、老小。妈妈虽然才七十三岁，可是身体不太好。有糖尿病、高血压。我们每个星期打一次电话。我很想念她。爸爸已经去世了。
　　我身体也有些问题。我在天津的时候好像对什么都过敏。我去甘肃省旅游的时候，几乎要咳嗽死。在厦门我的身体好了很多，不过一直有哮喘。上个星期六早上去看中医的时候，大夫给我开很多草药。现在朋友在教我如何煮草药。我希望吃几个月的苦药，就能控制这个病。西药从来根治不了我这个病。

A song

I wrote these lyrics to accompany the hymn tune Appalachia. I cannot find an mp3 online, but if you are American, you probably would recognize the melody if you heard it.

In morning hours I rise to meet,
The one for whom my heart does beat.
His face to see, His voice to hear.
O Father God, let me draw near.

Throughout the day my passions rage.
Alone can You the hurts assuage.
A place of safety where to flee,
O Father God, provide for me.

At vesper time again I come,
Of grace this day to list the sum.
To nestle near Your tender heart,
O Father God, hence ne'er depart.

A Sonnet

Be sad that things turn out unlike you wish.
Be angry that his words were rude and tough.
Be envious that you've none, but he has fish.
Do judge his action's quality as rough.

All these you may embrace but at your loss.
I offer joy; why waste it to be sad?
Forgiveness is your lifelong secret sauce.
Content, forbearing as your Heavenly Dad.

Have joy or not: This is a choice you make.
The pressure, I invite you give to Me.
My peace I give to you; will peace you take?
Replace the sulks with love and change you'll see.

O Spirit, come and form in me Christ's face.
Please use my body, soul to fill with grace.

Love Letter 6

Dear Daddy,

Thanks for the wind this morning. It is so fresh. I love how it feels on my arms. Thank you also that I have a dry place to live to keep out the rain. Thank you that my friend Jordan is so eager to spend time together, even to accompany me to get acupuncture. Thank you that Jordan also helped me to discover the cause of that technical problem yesterday. Thank you for the block of time last night to study Chinese uninterrupted.

Love,
Philip

Love Letter 5

Dear Daddy,

I really like what Big Brother said about You in Matthew 6. It makes me feel so warm and safe knowing that You are so attentive to my physical needs. You know that for years and years I have had a fear of becoming homeless. And this fear caused me to save all my money. In my mind I was storing up money to build a wall against Your future capricious decision to make me lose my job or lose some limbs. Of course, it was irrational: if You want me to become destitute, there is no defense. So when you called me to quit my job and move to China, this was the hardest decision of my life since my job was the stone factory for my Great Wall.

But five years later, I am still not homeless. Instead, I live very comfortably. And I thank You for this. And I thank You that You asked me to do this very difficult thing and enabled me to follow through.

Thank You that You know what I need--even before I ask; that You clearly stated that I am more valuable to You than birds and flowers; and that You invite me to live an anxiety-free life. Because I know that Your heart is good, I know that this invitation is real. I'm sorry that sometimes I project duplicity onto Your image. You mean what You say. You have no need to manipulate through words, You have no malice to raise hopes so that You can dash them. You are good, and I delight in Your goodness.

Your kingdom sounds like an exciting thing. How do You want me to seek it first today? It sounds so refreshing not to need to worry about the physical needs, but this continges on seeking first Your kingdom. I feel fear raising up. It says, "Since you don't know how to seek His kingdom first, you won't be able to, and so you won't fall under the conditions of this promise." Father, help! There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. Thank You that You do love me. I rest in this and know that since You desire for me to enjoy the benefits of this promise, You will equip me to fulfill its conditions. Thank You that You have kind intentions. It makes me want to be close to You. I love You.

Philip

Stinkin' Thinkin' Training

Helpful vocabulary

lie	错误的信念
stutter	结结巴巴地说话
Stinkin' Thinkin'	发恶臭的思路
adversely	不利地，逆向地
weed	杂草
rotting corpse	朽腐的尸体
illustrate	举例说明，阐明
interpretation of data	数据判读
annoy	令人讨厌的
advocating	提倡
counter-behavior	正面的行为
discern	分辨
accountability	互相监督
metaphor	比喻，修辞
formidable foes	难以对付的敌人
vigilance	警戒，警惕性
incarnate truth	真理的化身
alignment with truth	与真理结盟
bounce around in one's head	在大脑中跳来跳去
prime of one's life	生命中最好的一段时间
objective truth	客观真理
vantange point	对看到某某东西有利的位置

Training

Xiao Bai has a bad problem with stuttering. Every day after work, Xiao Bai gets very anxious. He really wants to spend time people, but he is really insecure around people. Since he cannot get up the courage to get together with other people, his typical evening looks like this: He plays computer games until 12 p.m. and then drinks hard liquor by himself until he can fall asleep.

An unhealthy behavior is any behavior that adversely affects our health—whether physical, emotional, mental, spiritual, or social health. Most of us have behavior patterns that we know are unhealthy, but we just cannot seem to change them no matter how hard we try. It seems to me that one reason we so often fail to change our behaviors is that we are focusing on the wrong place. The reality is that behaviors are just fruits. If we cut down a weed, it will grow back because we have not removed the root. If we want to change an unhealthy behavior, we need to deal with its root. If behaviors are fruits on a tree, what do you think the root it? The key to overcoming an unhealthy behavior is to identify the lie that energizes the behavior and replace it with the corresponding truth. [克服不健康的行为的秘诀就是先确认这个行为是被哪个错误的信念引起的，再用对应的真理代替它。] I like to describe this as a war against Stinkin' Thinking'.

So what is Stinkin' Thinkin'？ By this I mean that many times the train of thought we want to follow has a big rotting corpse sitting in the middle of the road blocking it, and so we follow a different train of thought that leads us to where we did not really want to go, and our body follows along. [思路这个词很有趣。它本意是"考虑的线索"，但是它也能作为很生动的比喻。我的思路就是我所走的思想之马路。使用这个比喻，我可以这样说：经常我们想要 走的思路上有一个朽腐的尸体阻碍我们的旅程，所以我们走另外一条思路，后来发现到达的地方和我们想要的完全不一样。可惜，我们的行为已经跟着我们的思想到 达同样的地方。] So what are these rotting corpses in our minds? They are beliefs we have that inspire fear. [它们是造成恐惧的信念。] Let's say that I want to strike up a conversation with the girl Xiao Mei but everytime I think about doing that, I remember how Xiao Li refuses to talk to me me. Inwardly, I think that no girl could like me, and I am afraid to try again. The belief that no girl could like you is rotting corpse blocking your train of thought. Our beliefs control us by playing statements over and over in our heads. If one of these statements inspires fear in us, then the belief is a rotting corpse that blocks our progress. What is a fear that stopped you from doing something you wanted to do? There are two quotes that help to illustrate the importance of our thinking:

Sow a thought, reap an action. Sow an action, reap a habit. Sow a habit, reap a character. Sow a character, reap a destiny.

播下一种思想，收获一种行为；播下一种行为，收获一种习惯；播下一种习惯，收获一种性格；播下一种性格，收获一种命运。

It all begins with thinking: "Sow a thought, reap an action." If the way that you think about something—even unconsciously—is wrong, it will affect you all the way through to your destiny. The second quote is from the Bible:

As a man thinks in his heart, so is he. (Proverbs 23:7)

因为他心怎样思量，他为人就是怎样。" （箴言23：7）

Again, I would dare to say that it is impossible for us to consistently act in a way inconsistent with what we actually believe. [我敢说我们所行的不可能一直都与我们所相信的相违背。] A bad root will always in the end produce bad fruit.

Let's talk about two sources of our beliefs. One source of our beliefs is what other people have said about us: our parents, our teachers, and others whose opinions we considered trustworthy. If our dad frequently said to us, "You are so incompetent: you'll never accomplish anything in life," those words quite likely are still bouncing around in our head unbeknownst to us and influencing us to be afraid to take risks in life. In other words, because our dad whom we trusted said negative things about us, we started to believe them too. Or maybe there was a teacher who in a fit of frustration said, "Why are you so stupid?" The echo of those words quite likely is still bouncing around in our head influencing us to fear trying to learn new things. Because our teacher whom we trusted said negative things about us, we started to believe her. So the first source of our beliefs is the judgments that people we respected made about us. And if that judgment was not accurate, then that belief becomes a rotting corpse producing Stinkin' Thinkin'. I was born when my mom was 40 years old after she was almost finished raising 6 other kids. Once she offhandedly said something to me that implied I was interfering with the time of her life where she had originally intended to rest. This made me think that wherever I go, I take away people's joy. What is something someone you trusted said about you that affected the way you think about yourself?

A second source of our beliefs is our own interpretation of past experiences in our life. The experiences in our life are like raw data: they only have meaning after we interpret them. The problem with interpretations is that they are just that: interpretations, not facts. And when we interpret a situation based on incomplete data, our interpretation will likely be inaccurate. And then the echos of these inaccurate past interpretations will bounce around in our head and lead to faulty thinking. For example, something that frequently happens to me: I go to tell Paul something. He does not smile when he sees me, so I conclude that he thinks I am annoying. Next time I want to tell him something, I decide not to tell him lest I annoy him. The interpretation that Paul thinks I am annoying was made with very little data. Perhaps in reality the reason he did not smile is that he was hungry rather than annoyed. Unfortunately, the damage is done. That interpretation is now bouncing around in my head making me afraid to talk to him. So the second source of our beliefs is the interpretations we make about our past experience, and if that interpretation was not accurate, then that belief becomes a rotting corpse producing Stinkin' Thinkin'. Can anyone think of an interpretation that you once made that later you discovered was wrong?

Let's summarize what we have learned so far: What we believe about ourselves affects us by producing statements that bounce around in our heads. These statements are the echos of things we have heard or thought in the past. A major obstacle to changing our behavior is what I call Stinkin' Thinkin' . Stinkin' Thinkin' happens when incorrect beliefs cause untrue statements to bounce around in our heads, and then these incorrect thoughts control us through fear. As long as incorrect beliefs are behind a behavior, that behavior is nearly impossible to change.

Now, if someone intentionally tells us something that is not correct, what do we call that? A lie. None of us wants to be lied to, and when we learn that we have been lied to, we want to find out the truth as soon as possible. Well, we can think of those incorrect statements that others made about us as lies. The incorrect statements we made about ourselves also were lies. When we realize that we have been lied to and that these lies have been feeding the unhealthy behavior in our lives, this provide motivation to seek out and destroy those lies. And that is exactly what I am advocating. We need to undertake a military campaign in our minds to exterminate the lies that live there. We can do this by intentionally, systematically, and iteratively practicing the following steps:

1. Decide which behavior B you want to change. Xiao Bai wants to make friends instead of wasting his evening playing computer games.
2. Identify the lie L behind B. Xiao Bai believes the lie that he has no value as a person since he stutters. And since he has no value, no one would want to be his friend.
3. Determine what the corresponding truth T is. The truth is that Xiao Bai's value derives from the fact that he is made in God's image, not from his ability to speak.
4. Visualize how a person who consistently believed T would behave. Prepare a list of counter-behaviors Ck. A person who believed that he was valuable because he was made in God's image would courageously make effort to meet people. Maybe he would go to the Bridge, or attend a BIG, or call up a classmate.
5. Each time you realize that you are going in the direction of B, stop dead in your tracks and say out loud, "No, I refuse to believe the lie L. The truth is T". Then instead of doing B, do one of Ck. One night, Xiao Bai comes home from work and turns on his computer. Then he realizes what he is about to do, stops himself and says, "No, I refuse to believe the lie that I have no value because I stutter. The truth is that I am valuable in the site of God." Then he remembers that he met someone at the Bridge Open Day last week and got his phone number. So he calls the guy and suggests they eat dinner together.

Each time we follow these steps, the lie becomes weaker. Eventually, it will die and no longer energize the unhealthy behaviors. But even while we are waiting for one lie to die, we need to simultaneously start attacking the next lie.

As with any military campaign, we need to have weapons. What type of weapons would be helpful to this war?

The most important weapon to have is a source of objective truth. Our goal is to find and kill lies. We cannot do that unless we can recognize the lies. But if we are currently believing a lie, we have no capacity in ourselves to discern it. We cannot rely on our own thoughts and feelings since they are the things that have been tricked by the lie. That is why we need an external source of objective truth. What are some external sources of objective truth? As a Christian, my external source of objective truth is the Bible. I believe that the Bible is the word of God and thus the most reliable source of objective truth. I like these quotes:

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)

上帝的道是活泼的，是有功效的，比一切两刃的剑更快，甚至魂与灵、骨节与骨髓，都能刺入、剖开，连心中的思念和主意都能辨明。（希伯来书4：12）

The Bible is like a sword that can cut a clear distinction between the lies we believe and the truth.

God says, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Is 55:9)

上帝说，"天怎样高过地，照样，我的道路高过你们的道路，我的意念高过你们的意念。"（以赛亚书55：9）

God has a higher vantage point, so he can clearly see what is true and what is error.

All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness (2 Timothy 3:16)

圣经都是上帝所默示的，于教训、督责、使人归正、教导人学义都是有益的。（提摩太后书3：16）

The Bible is the best resource to reprove and correct the mistakes in our thinking.

What external sources of objective truth do you have available in your lives?

The second weapon we need is accountability. It is very easy to continue to believe an old lie because it is very familiar, and the new truth seems like a stranger. We need people in our lives to whom we give permission to say to us, "Hey, I see you doing B again. You're not starting to believe L again are you?" Maybe there are some people who can actually change unhealthy behaviors on their own, but I think most people who claim this are believing another lie about their own abilities. Paul is not only my professional supervisor, but I have also given him permission to supervise my personal life. If he sees an unhealthy behavior pattern, he is empowered to call me into account. Are there people in your life to whom you have given permission to supervise your behaviors? If not, remember one of the services Paul offered was to supervise your personal goals. Goals without accountability most often equals unreached goals.

It might seem a little strange to use a military campaign as a metaphor for this process, but I think that it is accurate. Long held belief are formidable foes. Unless we have the military-style vigilance, we will not likely have lasting change. The Bible also speaks of this process in a military metaphor.

For the weapons of our warfare … have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:3-5)

我们争战的兵器…...在上帝面前有能力，可以攻破坚固的营垒，将各样的计谋，各样拦阻人认识上帝的那些自高之事一概攻破了，又将人所有的心意夺回，使他都顺服基督。（哥林多后书10：3－5）

Since Jesus was truth incarnate, taking every thought captive to obey Him is the same as bringing our thoughts into alignment with truth. Is anyone willing to join me in this military campaign?

Another helpful metaphor is that of taking off dirty clothes and putting on clean clothes.

You have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. (Eph 4:21-24)

如果你们听过他的道，领了他的教，学了他的真理，就要脱去你们从前行为上的旧人，这旧人是因私欲的迷惑渐渐变坏的。又要将你们的心志改换一新，并且穿上新人，这新人是照著上帝的形像造的，有真理的仁义和圣洁。（以弗所书4：21－24）

It is helpful in step 5 to visualize changing clothes as we replace the lie with the truth and the old behavior with the new. The result will be the renewal of our mind. Does anyone else want to change?

Now let's practice. Each of us share a behavior we want to change, and then try to identify the lie behind it, the corresponding truth, and a counter-behavior.

Love Letter 4

Dear Daddy,

I was really struggling to get out of bed today to write you. I kept telling myself, "It does not matter. An invisible, intangible god. What evidence is there that he receives the letters?" But then I thought that these are the types of thoughts that precede an emotional downward spiral, which I want to avert. Plus, bedtop reasoning is notorious unlucid, so I decided I had better get out of bed.

I watched a video on Sunday that talked about renewing the mind. The speaker talked some about biology and how You designed my previous decisions to be stored in my brain as ACH-encoded patterns. Once in a pattern is encoded, it is very easy to follow that pattern again in the future. And the more I follow that pattern, the easier again it is to follow it. Thus, a model to understand "wrestling with the flesh" is that of struggling to make decisions contrary to ungodly, ACH-encoded patterns. If that was all there was to the model, it might be illuminative, but not hopeful. But there is another aspect where Your grace shines through. You design the brain to be self-monitoring and to notice long-term decisions consistently contrary to an existing the ACH-encoded pattern. When it notices this, it uses another chemical named GABA to block the old pattern so that the old pattern ceases to be the easy pattern. This is a biological example of what it means that You come along side of those who have chosen to obey you. Of course, obedience is the prerequisite; otherwise, the brain will not notice that having the old pattern around is inefficient and setup a GABA roadblock to it.

So, thank You for encoding Your grace into my biology, and thank You for allowing me to hear this picture of Your grace. Please now, enable me to recognize the old destructive patterns of thinking and obediently to think in a different way. I know that as I do this, You, my loving Father, will come alongside and help me.

Love,
Philip