Love Letter 1

Dear Daddy,

I wanted to write and say that I love You. I don't remember exactly when I first started to notice You, but I was very Young. I do remember, for example, when that evangelist Frank Gonzales spoke of You, how my heart burned for You. At that age I did not know the word intimacy, but that feeling was certainly a juvenile desire for it.

In high school when I read the interaction between Your prophet Elisha and the Shunammite, my heart ached to know You. How I wanted to be like Elisha and have such an intimate relationship with You that he was surprised when the woman was distressed and he did not know the reason. It implied such depth of sharing between You and him; otherwise, why would it seem odd to him not know something? At that point I decided that I wanted to be a prophet when I grew up because in my childish mind I equated intimacy with You and being a prophet. But people did not understand me and scorned my aspired occupation. And when I applied to take the SAT and ACT, there was no intended occupation code for "prophet", and I was frustrated because I did not know how to pursue this occupation, which was the only avenue to the intimacy for which I longed.

In college I remember reading how You shared secrets with those who fear You (Psalm 25), and I took heart that maybe this intimacy was available to non-prophets. And so began my quest for the "fear of Yahweh". Unfortunately, this concept was as opaque to me as Fermat's Last Theorem, and I could not get my mind around it, much less intelligently pursue it. I longingly read and memorized verses about fear of Yahweh thinking, "This is the key; this is they key!" But I did not know how to "turn on" this fear in myself, and I despaired because this singular channel of intimacy with You was closed.

And then one day I noticed that You said through Your prophet Jeremiah that You would "put the fear of Me in their hearts that they may not turn from Me". And I thought, "Here is the answer! I cannot do it, but God promises to do it for me. I finally can have the intimacy for which I long." And so I converted to Calvinism with all my heart. The Five Points became my constant meditation because I so longed to know You but simultaneously knew that I could not produce the fear of You that was the prerequisite. People thought me strange and poked fun at me when I changed my email address to calvinist5pt@juno.com but it did not matter because this was key.

Oh, Daddy, I longed to know You, to be close to You for so long. But some time afterward, the flicker of hope died. That one thing for which I had longed since I was a child never materialized, and I became inwardly cynical. I still said in public that You were the best; but in my inner heart I began to question Your goodness. It seemed that You kept me away.

Now my desire is no longer pure; it is mixed with anger and resentment. The days of singular longing for You is gone. Sometimes now someone can say a word that will awaken the desire for a few minutes but the coldness of disappointment quickly shrinks the flame. Isaiah said that You will not quench a faintly burning wick. Is there hope? Can I really be close to You? May I really be close to You? Please take away this obstacle this my hope. I believe that You are good, that You are the best. Like the man whom Jesus was about to heal said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" So I say, "I hope; help my despair!" Please awaken desire and hope once again.