The art of sculpture is, first of all, the art of seeing; and discipline is the way to make visible what has been seen.
This reminds me of the definition of imagination from Redeemed Lives (as modified by my selective memory): the human faculty for perceiving the unseen real. Perhaps this the reason my life is going nowhere: I have no vision. Thus, nothing compels me to pursue and persevere in discipline. In the absence of a vision, discipline is of limited value.
We may feel unfulfilled and wonder if being busy but bored, involved yet lonely, is a symptom of the absurd life: the life in which we no longer hear the voice of the One who created us and who calls us to a new life. This absurd life is extremely painful, because it makes us feel as if we are living in exile, cut off from the vital source of our existence.
This is pregnant with highly accurate descriptions of my experience of life: bored, lonely, living in exile. I need a home, a set of arms to which to return, a paternal embrace. Daddy, where are you?
We suffer from a fear of empty space. We are so concerned with being useful, effective, and in control that a useless, ineffective, and uncontrollable moment scares us and drives us right back to the security of having something valuable to do.
Do you feel the tension between this and "Look carefully then how you walk, not as unwise but as wise, making the best use of the time, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the will of the Lord is" (Eph. 5:15-17). I just live in guilt that I am wasting my life, yet I really have no idea how to remedy this. Perhaps the possibility of wasting my life should "drive me deeper", yet I do not even know which direction deeper is. I feel so discouraged.
1 comment:
Too much coffee sometimes makes me feel like this. Then I slow down and take a deep breath. Then I try to enjoy my every breath like it could be my last one and I am ok.
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