Fruits of the May 2009 Retreat

On May 1 - 3, 2009, I attended the semi-annual Red Tag retreat. One of the themes was God's four omni's: omnipotence, omnipresence, omniscience, and omnibeneficence. Below I will try to share some insights with which I came away.

I basically have a mental block on the fourth omni (omnibeneficence) that has become the cords that bind me, and they were relentlessly tight all day Friday night through Saturday afternoon. During the free time Saturday afternoon, my friend Doreen proactively sought me out for some reconciliation issues. Then she began to run into the same mental block in me that made it impossible for me either to receive God's love or accept myself. She was inspired to ask some questions. Then when I could not answer a question, she instructed me to ask God right then and there and then waited until I heard an answer. I saw three pictures over the course of that meeting, and then another one Sunday afternoon. I will describe them below:

1. She asked me what God felt when the sperm penetrated the egg that would develop into me. The only thing I could think was that He was disappointed that a different sperm had not penetrated and created a different person. So she told me to ask Him, which I trepidly did. I saw a picture of a large deer with a huge rack of antlers rapidly jumping to the top of a mountain (Songs 2:8-9). When he reached it, he lifted his head and wave his antlers wildly. I instinctively knew that he was excited and proud because his fawn had just been born, and I felt the excitement and pride of God for me.
2. Then I shared the reason I was so afraid of being alone. God is omnipresent, but I feel that He does not like me. The result is a God who is rather peeved that He cannot help being in the same space as me. This has made it very hard to be alone because I cannot get the picture out of my mind of His disgust at being trapped with me. Doreen told me to ask God what He felt next time I was alone with him. I told her that that was not reasonable since my anxiety level at that point is already so high that I most likely would not be able to hear. So she told me to ask him right there what He felt when I was alone with Him. I saw a picture of a boy and his dad together going through a maze made out of tall stacks of hay. I instinctively knew that the father already knew the path to the end, so his purpose was not to find the exit but rather to enjoy the time together with his son. I saw the little boy run ahead several times, get lost, and then run back to his dad to ask which way to go. His dad would always answer, "Let's try this way." I felt God's pleasure at being alone with me.
   
3. I shared with Doreen that I long have had a picture in my mind of my sister getting injured as a child and running to my dad for comfort. He backed away from her as from one with leprosy and then called to my mom, "Janet, your daughter needs you." This picture symbolized what God felt toward me--disgust at my weakness and brokenness. As I prayed, I saw a wolf spider, carrying its children on its back (it looked like this) I instinctively knew that the spider enjoyed the closeness and physical contact with its children and was draw to them because of their weakness and inability to care for themself.
4. Something with which I have long struggled is God's seeming general unavailability when I seek him. While the red tags were sharing their testimonies on Sunday afternoon, I spontaneously saw a fourth picture. It was of a stalagmite and its accompanying stalactite. I remembered that they there were formed by water dripping down from the ceiling, first leaving a calcium deposit on top and then on the bottom. I instinctively knew the interpretation: 1) Even my capacity to reach up to God (the upward-reaching stalagmite) has its source first in grace coming down to me (the water dropping from the ceiling) and 2) At the same time that I am reaching out to God (stalagmite), God is simultaneously reaching out to me (stalactite), and in fact, he reaches out first (the drop leaves calcium on the top first and then the bottom).