Dear Daddy,
Thank you for causing Amy to say some things yesterday in the Areopagus Forum that opened my eyes to You. She was trying to persuade Paul that "being thankful" in itself is inadequate; thankfulness needs to be directed toward a person to be complete. This I knew, for I have used this line of reasoning before when trying to raise other's awareness of You. But then she listed examples of things for which we should be thankful to You: free oxygen; free sunlight; free use of my brain, body, etc.; and life itself. I was a little shocked. I had not thought to thank You for these things. In fact, inwardly I probably faulted You for giving me life since I do much like living. But seeing that You have given me these things, if I am unthankful to You for them, then I am remiss--regardless whether the reason is that I don't see them as good things or that I see them as good things but do not emotionally trace their origin back to You. I do believe that You are good (at a cognitive level), so I am willing to concede to You that the gift of life is good and that I am just blind to this fact right now. Please open my eyes to this. Please help me to see things from Your perspective, from the perspective of truth. Deliver me from the blindness of Gomer: "She did not know that it was I who gave her the grain, the wine, and the oil, and who lavished on her silver and gold" (Hosea 2:8)
Thank you that You have enabled me to see that You are actively at work to renew my mind on this point. You helped me to notice that that was the second time this week when someone's words about Your providence arrested me. The other time was after I had vented to Simon about how distant You were from me. He asked me, "If I squeeze your nose and cover your mouth, how long could you live?" When I said, "At most four minutes," he responded, "Then God is at least that close to you." The fact is that it is on a second-by-second basis that I rely upon Your providence. If You withdrew Your hand for a second, I could not continue to live, much less if You withdrew for four minutes. I am reminded of what Paul said, "Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for 'in him we live and move and have our being.'" (Acts 17:27-28)
I think You caused Amy to say something recently to me linking breathing and the practice or realization of Your presence. I already forgot the sentence, but thank You for providing breathing as a tangible evidence of Your presence. Please help me recall You with each breath I take today that I might walk more experientially in Your presence.
Love,
Philip
Showing posts with label Love Letter Series. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love Letter Series. Show all posts
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Love Letter 2
Dear Daddy,
I thought today how kind it was of you to prompt my parents to have me take piano lessons. You know how much joy it brought me at the time. Even to this day I can still play many pieces upon demand if provided the music notation, and this is a joyful thing for me.
And not only the fact of my taking piano lessons, but also the teacher you inspired my parents to choose. What a tremendous blessing! The time that Mrs. Updike invested in me--no, that is too impersonal--the quality time we shared was indelible on my memory. I cried more at her funeral than at my own father's funeral. You caused me to find extra favor in her eyes, or else you enabled me to perceive her love more than the love's of other people. My lesson was the highlight of my week, and it went on for nearly a decade. Thank you.
And then when she was in a nursing home, all alone, and no longer able to speak or possibly even recognize me, you did something in my heart that I have not seen before or since: I did something out of love rather than just doing something that appeared loving but had ulterior motives. I visited her in the nursing home and spoke to her, and touched her, and sang to her, and read the Bible to her--all with no verbal feedback to know whether it made any difference to her, with no opportunity to get attention, approval, or praise from a human.
Daddy, would you do that work in my heart again? It seemed so right. Perhaps those few visits were the only "acts of righteousness" in my whole life that I have ever done in secret. But I know that You were present because I don't have conditional love to give, so the source had to have been outside of me: You were pouring it into me so that I could pour it into her.
But now everything I do is for the purpose of ingratiating myself to others. Every word and every action is merely a means to transiently acquire another's attention with the hope that transience will turn into permanence. I hate this about myself. But without the sense of Your permanent attention and approval, I am reduced to this. How do I become secure in Your attention and approval? Is this an immature expectation of intimacy with You--sensing Your presence? If so, please cause me to grow up so that I can properly apprehend the nature of the divine-human relationship.
I await Your reply.
Love,
Philip
I thought today how kind it was of you to prompt my parents to have me take piano lessons. You know how much joy it brought me at the time. Even to this day I can still play many pieces upon demand if provided the music notation, and this is a joyful thing for me.
And not only the fact of my taking piano lessons, but also the teacher you inspired my parents to choose. What a tremendous blessing! The time that Mrs. Updike invested in me--no, that is too impersonal--the quality time we shared was indelible on my memory. I cried more at her funeral than at my own father's funeral. You caused me to find extra favor in her eyes, or else you enabled me to perceive her love more than the love's of other people. My lesson was the highlight of my week, and it went on for nearly a decade. Thank you.
And then when she was in a nursing home, all alone, and no longer able to speak or possibly even recognize me, you did something in my heart that I have not seen before or since: I did something out of love rather than just doing something that appeared loving but had ulterior motives. I visited her in the nursing home and spoke to her, and touched her, and sang to her, and read the Bible to her--all with no verbal feedback to know whether it made any difference to her, with no opportunity to get attention, approval, or praise from a human.
Daddy, would you do that work in my heart again? It seemed so right. Perhaps those few visits were the only "acts of righteousness" in my whole life that I have ever done in secret. But I know that You were present because I don't have conditional love to give, so the source had to have been outside of me: You were pouring it into me so that I could pour it into her.
But now everything I do is for the purpose of ingratiating myself to others. Every word and every action is merely a means to transiently acquire another's attention with the hope that transience will turn into permanence. I hate this about myself. But without the sense of Your permanent attention and approval, I am reduced to this. How do I become secure in Your attention and approval? Is this an immature expectation of intimacy with You--sensing Your presence? If so, please cause me to grow up so that I can properly apprehend the nature of the divine-human relationship.
I await Your reply.
Love,
Philip
Friday, May 23, 2008
Love Letter 1
Dear Daddy,
I wanted to write and say that I love You. I don't remember exactly when I first started to notice You, but I was very Young. I do remember, for example, when that evangelist Frank Gonzales spoke of You, how my heart burned for You. At that age I did not know the word intimacy, but that feeling was certainly a juvenile desire for it.
In high school when I read the interaction between Your prophet Elisha and the Shunammite, my heart ached to know You. How I wanted to be like Elisha and have such an intimate relationship with You that he was surprised when the woman was distressed and he did not know the reason. It implied such depth of sharing between You and him; otherwise, why would it seem odd to him not know something? At that point I decided that I wanted to be a prophet when I grew up because in my childish mind I equated intimacy with You and being a prophet. But people did not understand me and scorned my aspired occupation. And when I applied to take the SAT and ACT, there was no intended occupation code for "prophet", and I was frustrated because I did not know how to pursue this occupation, which was the only avenue to the intimacy for which I longed.
In college I remember reading how You shared secrets with those who fear You (Psalm 25), and I took heart that maybe this intimacy was available to non-prophets. And so began my quest for the "fear of Yahweh". Unfortunately, this concept was as opaque to me as Fermat's Last Theorem, and I could not get my mind around it, much less intelligently pursue it. I longingly read and memorized verses about fear of Yahweh thinking, "This is the key; this is they key!" But I did not know how to "turn on" this fear in myself, and I despaired because this singular channel of intimacy with You was closed.
And then one day I noticed that You said through Your prophet Jeremiah that You would "put the fear of Me in their hearts that they may not turn from Me". And I thought, "Here is the answer! I cannot do it, but God promises to do it for me. I finally can have the intimacy for which I long." And so I converted to Calvinism with all my heart. The Five Points became my constant meditation because I so longed to know You but simultaneously knew that I could not produce the fear of You that was the prerequisite. People thought me strange and poked fun at me when I changed my email address to calvinist5pt@juno.com but it did not matter because this was key.
Oh, Daddy, I longed to know You, to be close to You for so long. But some time afterward, the flicker of hope died. That one thing for which I had longed since I was a child never materialized, and I became inwardly cynical. I still said in public that You were the best; but in my inner heart I began to question Your goodness. It seemed that You kept me away.
Now my desire is no longer pure; it is mixed with anger and resentment. The days of singular longing for You is gone. Sometimes now someone can say a word that will awaken the desire for a few minutes but the coldness of disappointment quickly shrinks the flame. Isaiah said that You will not quench a faintly burning wick. Is there hope? Can I really be close to You? May I really be close to You? Please take away this obstacle this my hope. I believe that You are good, that You are the best. Like the man whom Jesus was about to heal said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" So I say, "I hope; help my despair!" Please awaken desire and hope once again.
I wanted to write and say that I love You. I don't remember exactly when I first started to notice You, but I was very Young. I do remember, for example, when that evangelist Frank Gonzales spoke of You, how my heart burned for You. At that age I did not know the word intimacy, but that feeling was certainly a juvenile desire for it.
In high school when I read the interaction between Your prophet Elisha and the Shunammite, my heart ached to know You. How I wanted to be like Elisha and have such an intimate relationship with You that he was surprised when the woman was distressed and he did not know the reason. It implied such depth of sharing between You and him; otherwise, why would it seem odd to him not know something? At that point I decided that I wanted to be a prophet when I grew up because in my childish mind I equated intimacy with You and being a prophet. But people did not understand me and scorned my aspired occupation. And when I applied to take the SAT and ACT, there was no intended occupation code for "prophet", and I was frustrated because I did not know how to pursue this occupation, which was the only avenue to the intimacy for which I longed.
In college I remember reading how You shared secrets with those who fear You (Psalm 25), and I took heart that maybe this intimacy was available to non-prophets. And so began my quest for the "fear of Yahweh". Unfortunately, this concept was as opaque to me as Fermat's Last Theorem, and I could not get my mind around it, much less intelligently pursue it. I longingly read and memorized verses about fear of Yahweh thinking, "This is the key; this is they key!" But I did not know how to "turn on" this fear in myself, and I despaired because this singular channel of intimacy with You was closed.
And then one day I noticed that You said through Your prophet Jeremiah that You would "put the fear of Me in their hearts that they may not turn from Me". And I thought, "Here is the answer! I cannot do it, but God promises to do it for me. I finally can have the intimacy for which I long." And so I converted to Calvinism with all my heart. The Five Points became my constant meditation because I so longed to know You but simultaneously knew that I could not produce the fear of You that was the prerequisite. People thought me strange and poked fun at me when I changed my email address to calvinist5pt@juno.com but it did not matter because this was key.
Oh, Daddy, I longed to know You, to be close to You for so long. But some time afterward, the flicker of hope died. That one thing for which I had longed since I was a child never materialized, and I became inwardly cynical. I still said in public that You were the best; but in my inner heart I began to question Your goodness. It seemed that You kept me away.
Now my desire is no longer pure; it is mixed with anger and resentment. The days of singular longing for You is gone. Sometimes now someone can say a word that will awaken the desire for a few minutes but the coldness of disappointment quickly shrinks the flame. Isaiah said that You will not quench a faintly burning wick. Is there hope? Can I really be close to You? May I really be close to You? Please take away this obstacle this my hope. I believe that You are good, that You are the best. Like the man whom Jesus was about to heal said, "I believe; help my unbelief!" So I say, "I hope; help my despair!" Please awaken desire and hope once again.
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